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I have been feeling really depressed after a really horrible week. I’m worried about my future. I really would like to have a profession, to be successful, to have fulfillment.Well, I’ve been substitute teaching and some very traumatic things have happened to me this week. I NEARLY got fired… I have to attend this stupid training session and can’t work until then. I thought I was doing an ok job, not a perfect job, but I do my best… and yesterday they just dropped this bomb on me… apparently a lot of schools think I’m doing a horrible job controlling the classroom. I’ve been in a series of classrooms where the kids acted up, and nothing I did seemed to have any effect. I thought that I handled it profesionally and that the district would understand that kids act up for subs. This experience has made me feel like SHIT about myself. I’m scared that I’m not smart or capable enough to be a teacher. I’m upset because I’ve been treated like shit and no one cares about my problems, but at the same time I feel like shit because everyone else seems to be successful in their careers and I just fail. What really terrifies me is that I just got a Tefl certificate and I was planning on teaching English overseas. I wanted to teach English abroad so badly, and the course was really hard but I was successful. But, I’m scared that all this stuff in the school systems here in NC, where I live, sets a precedent. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough or capable enough to teach English. I’m scared that I’ll get an EFL job and fail at it. I’m so afraid that I’m not smart enough or capable of having success in a career. I’m scared that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m just not competent. I’m afraid that I’ll be some loser on welfare forever and that I’m just not competent enough to take care of myself.What I’m more afraid of is that I’m scared that I missed my calling, and that it’s too late to do anything about it. I’m afraid that there’s some profession that would have been *perfect* for me and that it’s too late to do it. I’ve already graduated from college and owe $8,000 ish in student loans. I’m so afraid my life is wrecked. Every day, I wish I’d been a veterinarian or a commercial artist. I keep wishing I’d done that and I don’t see how it’s possible now; I’m so afraid it’s too late. I’m scared I’ve ruined my chances of ever being happy. I’m so frustrated. Everyone else seems to have a career, everyone else seems to be successful, and I feel like I don’t have any place in the world or belong anywhere. I feel like there’s no niche for me and that I just don’t… belong. I feel like a ghost that nobody can even see. I feel so inferior and jealous when I look at my friends enjoying success while I’m always failing. I feel like such a loser.I would like to teach English overseas. I just got a Tefl certificate, and I’m qualified to do it. I don’t know if it’s the answer for me long-term but I was really looking forward to doing it. I don’t know if I wanna do it forever, but I wanna do it for now… I am dying to go abroad and teaching EFL is the most auspicious way.But now I feel very discouraged. I’m afraid that all this stuff that happened at school here in USA sets a precedent and I’m scared I’m not gonna be successful as an EFL teacher. I’m scared that I’m not smart/capable enough to be a teacher and that I’m gonna fail in the profession.I wish and wish I’d done something else with my life and in college but it’s too late. I keep wondering what things would have been like if I’d been a vet or an artist. Everyone who has seen my artwork says that it’s amazing and a series of people have told me that I could be an animator for Disney. I actually thought that animator was the coolest job but as a kid doubted my abilities. I’ve been awake for days and haven’t eaten anything since Sunday… I’ve been having anxiety attacks, insomnia and food nauseates me. I’m so freaked out becuase I’m scared that my whole life is ruined. Thanks if you have any. If you have a mean answer, you can go away or you will be deported… I’m having a really bad day (bad life really) and do not need a mean answer.

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