Personal Finance Tips and News at www.AboutCashFlow.com

I guess maybe I’m too young to think about this. I’m only 19. When I talk to older people, especially those who are middle aged and elderly, they are impressed by my level of insight and wisdom. They tell me that I am beyond my years, and in a way, much more more developed than those my age. I know that normally I should take this as a compliment, but I find it just makes me feel old and out of touch with people my age. In terms of age, I’m all over the place. I act like a little kid who is full of wonder about the world sometimes, but other times I’m the responsible adult. Sometimes I’m the wise old gentlemen who doesn’t worry about the small stuff. Then there are times when I act like the guy who just doesn’t give a damn about anything. Who ever I am, the point is that there really is no consistency.I won’t get too deep into it, but I don’t have a good relationship with my family. My dad plays the role of the alcoholic (or at least someone with an alcoholic personality), my mom the enabler, and I barely even know both of my sisters to even comment on them. The point is that where I live, there is no real love or sense of belonging for any of us. I know I know, I should just leave them behind and move out somewhere, but honestly I’m terrified to leave. Besides that, I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive on my own. I should mention that I have really bad social anxiety, so I don’t think I could live with a room mate. I don’t have friends or anybody I can really talk to about any of this. The people I come across make fun of me for my speech problems. They don’t always mean any harm, but it really gets on my nerves because they don’t realize what I’ve put up with in my life and what I put up with daily. I’ve received criticism all my life from family and strangers over little flaws in my personality, I really don’t need this. I can’t explain my social anxiety either because they just don’t get it, not even counselors. Their basic advice is to go out more and meet people with similar interests. Believe me, I’ve been doing that and I’m not meeting anybody I feel confident to befriend. Even if I do, it usually takes me upwards to a year or two to actually talk more deeply with them.The last point I’ll bring up is that I agonize over everything so badly that I feel I will mess up. Sure enough, I usually end up messing up, sometimes coming close to destroying things. I guess maybe it just goes back to when I was a kid and being yelled at by my dad or everybody else for screwing things up. My dad has even called me a bastard and a stupid **** over little things, things which he has done as well. I’ve reached a point in my life where I can’t pretend that I like him. He has just hurt me so badly that I don’t think I could ever talk to him again, and believe me, it hurts that I can’t have any kind of relationship with him, but what else can I do? I did my best to let him know that I loved him as a kid and I tried to forgive him several times, but I simply can’t do it anymore. He never cared enough to change himself for us. It hurts too much to even think about, and it’s even harder because my mom defends him all the time, but will never defend me. They say they love me, but their actions don’t speak those words. When I think about it, I tend to think that I’m the one who messed up their lives and caused them to have little money, but I guess it’s really their fault because they gave up on life long before I was born.I’d better rap things up before I get too carried away. Basically, I have barely any support at home, and my parents refuse to admit that they have made some terrible mistakes. Even if they did at this point, I’d probably just say to them, “And it took you this long to figure that out?” and be done with them. I know it’s not healthy to internalize my problems, but I really don’t want people knowing any of this. It’s none of their business anyways. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t taught to stand up for myself, or maybe I’m just too scared, but I can’t let people know that they hurt me because most of the time, I think that perhaps they are totally right. I don’t know, I’m very confused. Can you please help me?

More: continued here